


2am sadly relatable angst stuff cause I don’t deal with my feelings

by zaristark126



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Cutting, Eventual Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Harming Castiel (Supernatural), Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:40:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28379388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zaristark126/pseuds/zaristark126
Summary: it’s 2:41 am and I’m writing this cause the melatonin hasn’t kicked in yet and I hate myself...Dean finds out what Cas has been doing and has no clue how to deal with it.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 14
Kudos: 55





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !TW: sh!

Castiel didn’t exactly know what he was doing at first. All he knew was that the cuts and bruises he got on hunts weren’t as big of a nuisance anymore. In fact, they started to provide relief at times. So one day, a day devoid of supernatural creatures itching to stab him or explode him, he took matters into his own hands. He took his Angel Blade and made a small scratch on his wrist, the most easily accessible place. It felt good. It shouldn’t have. This went beyond all reason. But the scratch felt right. After that, Cas found himself unable to stop. Whenever he started thinking about- the things he did, and Sam or Dean weren’t there to distract him, he would drag the Angel Blade along any available body part: his legs, his arms, his stomach. Cas would revel in the blood seeping out in small dots and forming lines. It was a punishment for his acts as the false god. It was a distraction. It was redemption. It was all he had.   
  


Obviously, Cas did his best to hide his habit from the Winchesters. God only knows what Sam would say if he found out, or what Dean would. They had enough problems on their hands as is. So he would keep his blade clean as to not arouse suspicion and would always wait for the blood to dry before rolling down his sleeves and pants. Whenever one of the Winchesters asked how he was doing, he would reply that he was alright with enough enthusiasm to keep them in the dark. But for all his efforts, it didn’t seem to make a difference.   
  
...

Dean was the first to notice. He and Cas were sitting at a cafe and Dean was once again shamelessly flirting with the waiter. Cas felt a pang in his heart watching them, but couldn’t pinpoint the cause, so he ignored it. The waiter laughed at something Dean said. Cas wasn’t paying attention. His mind was more occupied with the cuts on his wrist he had made earlier today. They were stinging something awful and he had to fight the urge to pull back his sleeves and check if they were bleeding. The waitress left and Dean turned to Cas. His flirtatious smile faded as he took in his friend’s expression.

”Cas, you ok?” he asked, eyebrows lowering in worry. Cas quickly replaced the grimace of pain he hadn’t noticed with a pleasant smile.

”Yes, I’m fine,” he answered, eyes flitting down to his wrist again. This did not go unnoticed by Dean, who followed his line of sight to his wrist. He pulled an expression like he was preparing to ask a question, but the waitress returned with two slices of pie, plus her number scrawled on a napkin. Dean quickly looked up and smiled charmingly at her.

“Thanks, sweetheart.”

Dean pushed one plate towards Cas and started wolfing down the other one. Cas was hesitant to try the sugary smelling confection.

“Dean, you know I don’t eat, right?” 

Dean gulped down his last bite. Cas once again marveled at how quickly the man ate. 

“C’mon, just do it for the fun of it! It’s...pie! Everyone likes it.” 

Cas rolled his eyes but reluctantly took a bite of the confection anyway. All he tasted was all the various, vastly unhealthy chemicals found in the pie. Sucrose molecules and glucose molecules. On top of that, the apple pie contained gelatinous textures that he particularly hated. He reached for his glass of water to wash the strange texture down. That’s when Dean saw it.

The movement pulled up Cas’s sleeve just enough that Dean could spot the first two of the numerous cuts adorning Cas’s arms. He squinted at the red lines, trying to come up with an explanation. Cas picked up the glass, drank quickly, and set it down. The cuts were hidden from view again. Dean, failing to come up with a logical explanation, decided to just ask him.

”Hey, what’s that on your arm?”

Cas hastily pulled his sleeve down further out of instinct, though it didn’t change anything. He swallowed.

”Nothing.”

Dean raised his brows.

”Didn’t look like nothing. Some monster attack you or somethin’ ?”

Cas considered his options for a moment. Obviously telling Dean was out of the question, and that lie seemed as good as any.

”Yes. A vampire got his hands on my angels blade.”

That was suspicious. Since when did Cas go after vamps alone? Plus, the cuts looked recent, actually brand new, and they had been together for most of the day. Pushing aside his instincts and reasoning for later, Dean accepted the answer.

“Oh, ok. Do you need a bandage or something? They looked like they were bleeding a ton.”

“No, it’s fine.”

The car ride home was quiet as Dean tried to make some sense out of the unexplained cuts.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !TW: kinda graphic sh!

In the car, Cas’s heart was still pounding from the awkward conversation. He was extremely thankful that Dean had accepted his answer, but it had forced him to confront what he was actually doing. A voice that sounded an awful lot like Dean’s ringed out in his head. 

_“What kind of freak cuts open his own skin? Who the fuck does that?”_

Cas ran his hand through his hair anxiously. He tapped his fingers against his leg, feeling the overwhelming urge to cut and distract himself again. He glanced at Dean, who looked to be deep in thought. The Impala rolled into the garage of the Men of Letters Bunker.

Later, alone, safe in his room, Cas sat down on his bed, leaning against the wall, and dropped his Angel Blade from his sleeve to his hand. He pulled up his sleeve and sighed, noticing that the blood from the morning’s cuts had seeped through his dress shirt, staining it with lines of red. No time to deal with that now. Cas held the Angel Blade carefully and pressed it into his inner forearm, then slowly dragged it across. The cut wasn’t very deep and didn’t bleed enough. He tried again, this time using the sharp tip of the blade and pressing harder into his skin. Dragging it across was very painful, causing him to inhale sharply. This cut was deeper, clearly showing the incision. Red seeped from under his skin, filling the cut and overflowing. Cas watched it fill up, entranced. So entranced by the movement of the blood as it started down the side of his arm that he didn’t hear the footsteps outside of his door in time. He flinched when the door handle squeaked, starting to turn. As the door swung open, all he could do was hide the Angel Blade away and hastily pull down his sleeve.   
  


Dean poked his head in. Cas gritted his teeth in annoyance.

”Are you not familiar with the concept of _knocking_ , Dean?”

Dean smiled.

”Well, hello to you too.”

Cas sighed and grumbled “come in”. Dean walked in and ran a hand through his hair, fluffing it up.

”Just wanted to let you know that Sam tried to cook dinner.”

Cas tilted his head and narrowed his eyes.

”I didn’t know Sam knew how to cook.”

Dean chuckled, making Cas’s heart skip a beat.

”Oh he doesn’t, he nearly burned the damn kitchen down. But he can make microwave popcorn and we were gonna eat some and watch a movie, so if you maybe want to-“

Dean abruptly cut off, looking down at the bed with wide eyes. Confused, Cas followed his line of sight and found he was staring at- oh no. Blood had covered the sleeve of Cas’s white dress shirt and was slowly seeping onto his trench coat sleeve. Dean leaned down and reached towards Cas’s wrist but Cas instinctively pulled it away, holding it to his chest.

”Cas, what the hell happened?” Dean asked, an edge of panic in his voice.

“It’s nothi-“

”Don’t you dare lie, those are NOT from some fuckin’ vamp. What. Happened?”

_This isn’t happening. This can’t be happening. I can’t do this, this can’t be real.  
_

Something clicked for Dean. 

“Cas, you didn’t...you didn’t do that to yourself?”

Cas almost felt relieved. It was over. Dean knew. He didn’t know what Dean would do but at least he didn’t have to hide it.

Castiel nodded.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !TW: sh!

Dean didn’t know what to say. He had never been good at talking about anything emotional but this was on another level. 

“Jesus.”

 _”Great going, that’s **super** helpful,”_ he silently chastised himself.

”Why are you-“ _pause “_ -doing that?”

Dean gestured vaguely at Castiel’s bloody wrist, sitting down on the bed next to him. Cas noticed his discomfort.

”We don’t have to talk about it.”

”No, we do.”

”We don’t, you obviously feel uncomfortable and-“

”You’re slicing your own damn skin open, of course we’re gonna talk about it!” Dean said, a bit louder than he had intended. Cas took a shaky breath. Dean immediately regretted it. 

“Fine, we don’t have to right now, but we ARE gonna have this conversation. Now, I’m gonna fix up your cuts.”

Dean led Cas to the bathroom and pulled out a first aid kit from a cabinet.

”Dean you don’t need to-“

”Arms out. Now.”

Cas set his jaw, then reluctantly pulled up his sleeves and held his arms out. Dean blinked rapidly to clear away forming tears as he held the angel’s arm and traced lightly over the cuts.

“Dammit, Cas,” he said quietly, his voice wavering.

”I’m sorry.”

Without a word, Dean washed the blood of the cuts, stitched up one particularly deep one, and bandaged others. When he was done, Cas went back to his bedroom followed by Dean, who was turning around to leave when he remembered one last thing.

”What did you use?”

Cas spoke quietly, still ashamed.

”My Angel blade.”

”Give it to me.”

Cas opened his mouth to argue, but quickly snapped it shut after noticing the determination on Dean’s face. He manifested it and handed it to Dean, who grabbed it and turned to leave before stopping once again. He turned around and wordlessly pulled Cas into a tight hug. Cas stiffened at first, unsure of what he was doing, but eventually relaxed and wrapped his arms around Dean too. 

“It **will** get better, Cas,” Dean whispered.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: tooth-rotting fluff cause I wanted to give cas a break

“Cas!” Sam yelled to be heard over the sounds of battle raging between the Winchesters and the demons. He tossed the angel blade to Castiel, who aptly caught it and stabbed a demon in one swift move. Another demon barreled into Dean, knocking him down. The demon raised its weapon and Dean instinctively threw up his arms to protect his face, but it just screamed and glowed orange before collapsing. Cas pulled the blade from its back and stretched out a hand to help Dean up. Dean grabbed onto it and pulled himself up.

”I had that,” he grumbled.

”Oh, is that why that demon was about to impale you?” Cas scoffed in response. Dean rolled his eyes but the corners of his mouth twitched up in a smile. Cas felt that strange flutter in his chest again. He was getting slightly worried he might have developed a disease of some sort, though it was impossible for angels. Who knows, though? After all, he had fallen before. But who to ask about it?

...

”Sam.”

Back at the bunker, Sam looked up from his laptop screen and blinked rapidly a couple of times before his eyes focused on Cas.

”Yeah?”

”I need your help with something.”

”Yeah, sure, what is it?”

”I think I might have contracted a human disease of some sort.”

Sam squinted. 

“Can you guys do that?”

”Generally, no, but I could be an exception. I’m not exactly on the best terms with Heaven.”

”Ok, what are your symptoms?” Sam asked, turning back to his computer and typing in the search bar. Cas tilted his head.

”What are you writing?”

Sam gestured to the website now pulled up on the screen. 

“Web MD.”

Cas nodded.

”I feel nervous and queasy around Dean. When he talks to waitresses or expresses happiness I get aches in my chest, but different ones. It may be possible he’s cursed or hexed.”

Sam started typing, then abruptly stopped, looking up at Cas. Then he burst out laughing. Cas tilted his head. 

26 seconds later, Sam finally calmed down enough to explain. 

“Cas, it’s not a disease you have a-“ _snort “_ -a crush.”

Cas just squinted.

”It means you like Dean.”

Staring.

”Romantically.”

Cas’s eyes widened. Sam waited for his reaction, barely holding his laughter in.

”Cas?”

 _Woosh_.

Cas disappeared with his well-known flutter of wings. Sam squinted and half-smiled, then turned back to his computer, still quietly chuckling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please tell me what you guys think in the comments and what you wanna see cause I have no idea what I’m doing and I actually haven’t slept for two days (not on purpose, my mind just wants me to write fanfiction rather than sleep)  
> Thanks!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some angst + some terrible writing cause I forgot how the characters act  
> Have fun reading it!

Romantically?

Cas couldn’t like Dean in that way. They were friends. They shared a profound bond. That was it. Maybe if he kept thinking that, it would be true. But after the conversation with Sam, Cas stayed in his room for the better part of a week, trying to decipher exactly what he was feeling, and what it would mean. He stuck to two basic facts to convince himself to not make much out of it:

1\. Angels don’t fall in love with humans. (Though he was a lousy excuse for an angel and this wouldn’t be the first thing he had done that angels simply don’t do.)

2\. Dean Winchester could never love him. 

The first one was weak but the second one was an iron-clad reason to not act on any feeling he might have. The righteous man he had raised form perdition years ago would not be interested in a wayward pitiful angel who had betrayed him, deeply hurt him, and made far too many mistakes. Castiel had both killed clones of Dean and nearly killed the real one. Castiel had hurt those closest to him and forced him to leave the love of his life forever, who, he felt was important to note, was female. Dean Winchester would not even be interested in male vessels (though it could be considered Castiel’s body now, given that Jimmy Novak was long gone), much less one that was...him. Cas stood in the mirror in his room in a white t-shirt, examining himself. He had never been self conscious of his vessel/body before, but now, trying to see it through Dean’s eyes, the scars, lack of noticeable muscle, and the dark circles under his eyes stood out. A knock at the door interrupted his critiques of his appearance. Cas opened the door to see Dean.

”You can’t avoid me forever, you know.”

Cas furrowed his brows, feigning confusion. 

”I haven’t been...avoiding you.”  Dean raised his eyebrows.

”C’mon. You’ve barely come out of your room for a week.” Dean paused before continuing. ”You know we’re going to have to talk about it sometime.” Cas tried to conceal the panic that flared up in his chest. He walked over and sat down on his bed, casually as possible.

”Talk about what?”

”About why you’re...” 

His sentence trailed off. Dean resorted to quickly gesturing to Cas’s bandaged wrists. Cas felt a rush of relief. Sure, this wasn’t a conversation he was looking forward to having, but he couldn’t help but feel it was a slightly more desirable one than what he was expecting. 

“Oh.”

Dean moved to sit down next to Cas on the bed and Cas shifted away a bit instinctively. He didn’t notice, just stared at Cas expectantly. Cas swallowed.

”So?” Dean prompted. “Why are you hurting yourself?”

”I don’t know.”

”Bullshit.”   


Cas let out a huff through this nose, annoyed.   


“There has to be a reason, c’mon.” Silence. Dean noticed Cas’s hands were gripping the bed tight and slightly trembling. He leaned closer to Cas and placed a hand on top of his. Cas determinedly stared at the floor, studying the different colored speckles. A moment passed before he spoke.  


“I deserve it.”

Dean breathed in through his nose and resisted the urge to snap at Cas, to yell at him how wrong he was.   


“Why the hell would you think that?”

Cas huffed sarcastically.   


“Did you perhaps forget that I betrayed both you and your brother? Believed myself to be a new god and unleashed Leviathans on this world? _Devastated_ Heaven and slaughtered innocent people on Earth?”

Dean didn’t know exactly how to reply. Silently, he scolded himself. Cas had told him. Cas told him when working that case with the cartoons and that old dude Fred Jones that he was suicidal. Of course, Sam had walked in. Dean immediately tried to ignore it afterward and banished it from his brain because it just didn’t make sense. Castiel, the badass, strong angel of the lord thinking about what, killing himself? Dean shouldn’t have ignored it, he should have payed more attention, damn it.   


“You had good intentions, Cas.”

“So?” Cas finally met Dean’s eyes, defiant. “You said it yourself, I should have come to you.”

”You’ve more than made up for it.”

”Nothing I could do changed anything. My pride and naivety cost humans and angels their lives. It nearly cost you yours. It took someone you loved away from you.” 

Not even pausing to think who Cas exactly meant by that, Dean went with his gut, focused on explaining to Cas how much he meant. 

“Cas, I obviously don’t blame you for “dying”, well, disappearing. You were trying to fix it and since then you’ve-“

It took Castiel a second to realize what Dean had said.

“Wh-“ Cas tilted his head. “I meant Lisa.”

Dean stopped short, eyes widening in panic. He quickly recovered and tried to play it off. 

“Right, yeah.”

Cas frowned, still processing what Dean had subconsciously implied. Before he could talk himself out of it, Cas admitted: “Actually, Dean, I’ve been meaning to tell you something.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I am going to keep on ending the chapters on a cliff hanger just cause I can. Nah I’m just kidding, it’s cause I have no idea how to write the next part. Anyway, please comment what you honestly think. Thanks to anyone who’s still following this mess :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They finally talk about their feelings, yay! This might be kind of out of character because we all know Dean Winchester never talks about feelings but fuck it, I want them to so they will.  
> \+ some classic misunderstandings cause they’re both so oblivious

As soon as the words left his mouth, Castiel regretted it. Dean stared at him with raised eyebrows, waiting for him to continue, and Cas’s throat felt like it was constricting. _A symptom of anxiety, or nervousness_ , as he had read online. That made sense. He couldn’t think of anything more never-wracking than admitting his feelings for Dean Winchester, feelings he wasn’t even aware of a month ago. Dean still stared and Cas remembered he was expected to expand on his statement. He searched for the words.

”Angels can’t love humans,” he said quickly to fill the silence. “ _Wonderful statement to lead a love confession with,”_ he admonished himself. “Or at least, they’re not supposed to. Those are the rules and um, before me, angels never really challenged the rules.” 

Cas stared at the floor again, noting that it was covered in tiny, primarily dark blue, brown, and desaturated yellow speckles. Dean had probably figured out where he was going with this but he wasn’t running out of the room yet, so Cas took that as a good sign.

”So, you-“ 

“Dean, I-

Cas made a small noise as he started to continue his sentence only to cut it short, curious what Dean had to say.

”So I what?”

Dean turned towards Cas and after a second of thought, removed his hand from on top of Cas’s hand, confusing Cas further. Looking him dead in the eyes, Dean began talking.

”I know we’ve been through a lot together. We’ve literally been to Purgatory and back together. Even when we fight, hell, even when you were working with Crowley, I, uh, care about you. You just being near me, here with me, snaps me out of whatever self-destructive dumbass move I’m planning that time. And every time you, you know, _die_ , or leave or disappear I feel so fuckin’ terrible cause I never- I never told you this, what I need to say.” Dean’s speech gradually sped up.   
“And every time you come back I say to myself, I’m gonna tell him this time, I’m not gonna let him go without telling him and-“ Dean stopped his rapid rambling and took a breath. He looked away. “What I’m trying to say is, I love you, man.”

Cas simply stared, mouth open, eyes wide. Dean didn’t look at him as he continued.

”And I’m sorry for telling you this and it might have fucked up our friendship but I just had to. It’s fine if angels can’t like humans, I don’t need to you tell me you like me back or whatever, I just had to, you know-“ Dean made a vague rolling gesture with his hands. “-get it out there.”

”Dean, what the hell.” 

Dean’s face burned with shame. He nodded quickly and starting getting up to leave. Surprising him, Cas grabbed Dean’s shoulder and pushed Dean to sit back down on the bed.

”Listen to me. That’s not where I was going with that,” Cas said, both elated and frustrated by Dean’s rambling confession. “I was telling you angels weren’t supposed to fall in love with humans, but we still have the capacity to. We do. And my point was, I did.”

It was Dean’s turn to stare, confused.

”I fell in love with you.”

Silence.

”What?”

”I. Am. In. Love. With. You.” Cas said slowly, emphasizing each word.

”But-“ Dean started, only to continue staring, bewildered, with his mouth hanging open.   
After a moment: “But I- I accidentally said you were someone I loved, and you told me angels couldn’t love humans?”

_Oh._

“I can see now how that might have been misleading. I’m sorry.”

”Cas, you...love me?”

”That’s what I said,” he replied, sounding frustrated but beaming.

“Wow.” Dean looked down, eyebrows raised, the corners of his mouth also twitching upwards in a smile.

. . .

”Hey, Sammy.”

Sam plugged his left ear and held the cell phone closer to his right to hear Dean’s voice over the various voices and noises at the crime scene.

”Hey, I just got to the crime scene for that one dead woman I was talking about. Looks like a cut and dry werewolf case, so I should-“

”Shut up for a second and listen.”

Sam pulled a bitch face before remembering Dean couldn’t see it over the phone.

”Uh, ok?”

”I just told Cas I love him.”

”You what?”

”Yeah, I know, I dunno what I was thinking either.” Sam walked further away from the crime scene to hear him, this being one of the rare few times he was genuinely interested in what his brother had to say.

“Hold on, you love Cas?”

”Yeah?” 

Sam was slightly astonished at how casual Dean was about it, but ignored it. It wasn’t exactly news to him anyway, what with the “secret” stares and glances he’d noticed over the years.

”Wait, so what did he say?”

”He told me he loved me back.”

”WHAT?”

“Jeez, calm down, will you?”

”Sorry, my bad. I’m just excited he finally told you.”

“He- finally- you knew?”

”’Course.”

”And you didn’t tell me?”

”Not my secret to tell, dude. Oh, actually, could you call Jody after this and tell her too? She and I had a bet going about how long it would take you. She’s gotta owe me nearly 500 dollars by now.” 

“A BET?”

”Jeez, calm down, will you?” Sam repeated back to him, smirking. He could practically hear Dean roll his eyes.

”Bye, Sammy.”

_Click._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The scene with the phone call with Sammy has no real purpose and doesn’t add anything, I just wanted to write his reaction to it. Again, comments would be super cool.


End file.
